Thursday, April 11, 2013

did you hear that?

something really interesting has happened the past few days. i've decided to listen to my internal dialogue. i think i hear it, listen to it, sometimes ignore it and a sometimes act on it. i think if it has to do with my kids, i listen. if it's something that has to get done, i listen. and then there is the dialogue that is really hard on myself. a dialogue that has been happening for so long, it's so internalized, i just digest it every time i tell my self something. the worst part about it is that i believe it. i tell my self things all the time but have noticed really bad ones when passing a mirror.

dude my butt is so big
oy why are my hips like that
when will i lose a few more pounds
work harder at the gym
eat less
the list goes on...

that's some crazy shit. hard on myself crazy. my husband always tells me that i am hard on myself and i just would kind of ignore him. but i think i have hit a plateau in my journey and i am stuck. i am realizing this at the right exact time. i think i am ready to listen. i am ready to change my self talk.  i find myself stopping and taking deeper breaths, trying to be gentler on myself. reminding myself how far i've come.

i now catch myself, stop, breathe and say something positive. i may not believe it yet but soon it will be my gospel; to be positive in the inside as much as i am on the outside.


7 comments:

  1. it is so very true. that quote. "it hasn't worked." i was just talking to ryan (husband :)) last night about this in reference to our son. we had a hard transition- out of spring break and into "back-to-school" mode, and find ourselves increasingly frustrated with aspects of his behavior- which has led to increased discipline/"coaching conversations"... which i feel has crossed into the territory of criticism. we were discussing that we MUST turn the situation around, and take a different (more loving) approach. constant frustration/criticism has never and will never work. (not in the way that we ultimately want it to anyhow... showing him that he is loved, that we believe in him, that we are always "rooting" for him... how much more powerful that is than to the alternative approach...)

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    1. my daughter, in kindergarten, has really hard transitions/anxiety and i also was left on deciding how to deal with it. it can be very frustrating yet i reminded myself of childhood and what i felt like i needed looking back as an adult. the saying we all just want to be loved is so true. i think kids just need to know that they are loved, protected, their parents are proud of them and reassuring them that everything will be fine (when they go back to school). sometimes you just need to sit with them rubbing their back and not say a word. just being by their side sometimes says so much more.

      if you find something that works really well to calm those little nerves down, please let me know.

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  2. oh Ruthie, I can so relate. My inner voice is so mean to me sometimes, which kills me since I say/think things about myself I would never think or say about anyone else in the world. It's something I'm trying hard to work on, too- just being kind and gentle with myself.

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    1. we need to continue to work on this! call me out if you hear me saying anything I shouldn't be :)

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  3. I just read this post and your last one with the quote, "I want to feel like a warrior in my mind and body." If you take out the mention of a weak link, I love it. Don't even let the weak link part enter as an option into your mind. It's so not true! I do feel like a warrior. I feel strong, both in body and mind, which as you know, doesn't come from working out. Like you say here, what we feel about ourselves comes directly from the messages you tell yourself and believe. It has to. We all need to be our own biggest champions. And that is what we need to teach our kids. It's awesome that you are seeing the inner dialog that is going on, so many people never do and they are simply a victim to it. Recognizing it is huge and with that change will start to come. Remember war begets war. If you continue to battle internally, peace will not come. Like Erin said, be gentle with ourselves. I think we all could use that advice.

    ps: love that your small profile pic is the night holding baby Va.

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    1. your right, no weak link! i can't believe for being, at least I thought, a very positive person i whisper so much negativity to myself. this is huge for me and something that i must change. it's def a process but one that must be dealt with no delays. and yes, i want to teach my girls to be warriors and anything weak inside themselves isn't an option.

      one of my all time favorite pics.

      thanks for all your support!

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